Decidering, Part 24

I received a Decidering question in my inbox a few weeks ago and I've spent a boatload of time thinking about my answer to this question because, hooweee, it's a toughie. Here's our reader's dilemma:

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for just short of two years now. A few months ago his sister and her boyfriend came to visit for the week. I emailed her countless times giving her several options of things to do in our town so I could plan everything and make reservation to ensure they had a good time. She didn't respond. Prior to them arriving, I bought brand new sheets and spent nearly $100 on wine. She didn't say thank you for the hospitality.

The whole time she was here, she walked all over my boyfriend (her brother). She was demanding and rude. I took all of us out to a play, paying for the tickets. She never once said thank you. The next day she threw a fit and demanded to go out for sushi, despite what the rest of us wanted to eat. After that I completely checked out and I did not participate for the next two days during their stay.

All said and done, this had caused my boyfriend and my relationship to basically go down the drain. We have been bickering for nearly two months now. Today I just gave in and emailed his sister to apologize for my actions. She has yet to write back. Prior to her coming in town we discussed getting married, but now after all of this it seems like marriage is a ways away. Also his sister NEVER used to call my boyfriend, but now she calls ALL the time. I don’t know if it is time to end our relationship and move on, or continue to TRY and work on our issues. What do you think?

I changed most of the details to protect the involved parties. I wouldn't want to go and make a bad situation worse. (And, by most of the details, I mean everything except the demand for sushi. Somehow, a demand for baby back ribs or cheeseburgers and fries doesn't have the same tone, if you know what I mean.)

This is not a good problem for a gal to have. I think it is relatively common for people to have issues with in-laws, but it is definitely not a good sign when $100 of good wine can't bring a group of soon-to-be family members together.

Here's my decision:

If the bickering between you and your boyfriend is because he is not taking your side--that is, if he is sticking up for his sister, making excuses for her bad behavior, or failing to see her complete lack of graciousness--you might as well say goodbye now and save yourself a whole lotta heartbreak.

Harsh, I know.

But, yo! If he can't admit that a proper thank you was in order for some tickets to a play and some good hospitality, then you probably don't want to be around for the drama that will likely ensue over important life details like getting married and having kids. If it bothers you that she throws a fit over sushi, you probably ain't gonna find it too jolly when she throws a fit over the bridesmaid dress you select for her to wear to your wedding (because, of course, you'll HAVE to invite her to be a bridesmaid or else deal with the wrath of NOT inviting her to be your bridesmaid. Hey! Rock and a Hard Place! Pick your poison!). If your boyfriend was backing you up on your decisions, fine. But if he isn't on your side, it is going to be a long, long road (one full of speed bumps and completely lacking in great roadside diners with fluffy pancakes).

On the other hand, there are crazy people in every family--don't even get me started on the wedding where I was accosted by a crazy family member in front of fifty people forcing me to KEEP MY COOL in a way I didn't even know I was capable of keeping. If your boyfriend can recognize the craziness and can admit that the craziness is too much to take sometimes, and he accepts the fact that you are not, under any circumstances, going to engage in the toxicity, and if YOU can accept the fact that your boyfriend is probably going to have to interact with his sister, no matter how crazy she is, and you can be cool about that and not feel the need to make him feel guilty every time he chats with her on the telephone, then go ahead and try to work it out.

If you decide to work it out, by all means continue to buy the good wine when she comes to visit because 1) you are SO above the drama (and will, thus, kill her with kindness) and 2) you're gonna NEED it, sister.

Comments

[Dawn]

Oh, man, that is ugly. I think you hit the nail right on the head, though. I hope this all works out for her, because that sort of drama is not fun.

[maggienwilly]

Having experienced more than my share of similar drama...here's another perspective. While Girlfriend did all of the fabulous hostess things that any friend of Slice would adore, Girlfriend should have let Boyfriend be in charge of host activities. He probably would not have paid attention to details, but there is a weird power struggle when an amazing person is on the verge of joining a family. It raises the standards. I bet Sister felt threatened. If Boyfriend is worth the effort, Girlfriend may have to shed a few tears and say how she just wanted Sister to like her because Boyfriend's family is important and she wants to be accepted by them. Play to his ego. And then remember to save the good wine for girlfriends, not in-laws. :) Good Luck!

[Janet]

Good call! Man, PFSIL (potential future sister in law) sounds wretched. At least she found out now! What a tough situation to be in.

[operation pink herring]

Wow, that is a real doozy of a decidering dilemma... but your advice was pretty spot on (as was your advice about how I should wear my wedding hair)! Maggienwilly has a really good point, too. Good luck, advice seeker... this is a really hard situation.

[MelissaOK]

I agree with both you and the second commenter maggienwilly... I think that if there is a 'next time' that the sister comes to visit, the boyfriend should be in charge of activities since it's his sister. And I also agree that most every family has a quirky family member and the difference is whether or not the boyfriend is willing to be on the girlfriends side. Especially if marriage is on the table. Married folks have to be on the same team... if he's not willing to be on his significant other's side then it's definitely going to be a long, long, long road. From personal experience, unwelcoming sisters are the worst to deal with espeically if your man doesn't side with you.

My view is that if he doesn't side with you over his rude sister, hit the road and count your losses. Seriously...

[amanda]

Yikes, that is a tough situation, but I agree with you Janet. Excellent advice!