Neat and Freaky

I don’t know what got into my husband yesterday, but for the first time in the duration of our marriage, he happily joined me as I went shopping all afternoon. I had tons of errands to run, gifts to buy, mail to send, and odds and ends to pick up and he decided to come along for the full trip. Shockingly, he did not complain during the entire excursion, a miracle considering that he orders nearly all things online to avoid having to even step into a retail establishment.

Anytime we are out spending money, be it at a restaurant or grocery shopping, Will puts on this extremely embarrassing show. He sighs with relief when the credit card is approved for our purchases and will make comments that imply that any day now our cards will be shut off due to lack of payment or for our spending being wildly over the limit. Sometimes he insinuates that the card we are using is stolen or that we are on a wild shopping spree to build up our balance before we file bankruptcy next week. He does this with such a straight face that it seems actually believable and, although I usually shake my head and roll my eyes, the cashiers never seem to even flinch at the thought that our credit card might be rejected.

In addition to the jokes at every register regarding our inability to properly pay for the things we were purchasing, Will had a running commentary on every store we went into.

“Why is it Jo Ann and not Jo Ann’s?” he wanted to know, and promptly decided that Jo Ann Fabric “is a huge, huge room with a bunch of shit people don’t need.” Although he did decide that there is one practical section: poster board.

His opinion on other places we visited:

“If Target doesn’t have it, you probably don’t need it.”

“Kohl’s is the Pic and Save of apparel.” (I don’t know when he got so haughty, especially considering that he had just tried on a jacket at Target.)

“TJ Maxx reminds me of a swap meet but with all new shit.”

“You should never experiment with a Venti.” (After ordering the largest possible size Blackberry Green Tea Frappuccino Blended Creme without ever having tried it.)

Before we left for the day of shopping, Will had added four things to my shopping list, none of which we ended up purchasing. One thing he decided he did not actually need, two things he decided would be easier to purchase on the internet, and the thing he wanted from Costco he decided could wait due to the extremely long lines of people buying hams.

The weird thing about this shopping trip, however, was not the silly commentary or the broke jokes; these are common occurrences in my world. The weird thing was the discovery that my husband has a deep-seated interest in vacuum cleaners. In every store, he spent time comparing the prices, features, and capabilities of the various vacuums. He’s even compared them online, I found out. He knows if Target is overcharging for the Dyson and whether the Oreck is a better value than the Hoover.

This brings so much more meaning to the term neat freak. I always knew he was tidy and he’s always been a little unusual, but now it is all starting to fit together. I married Mr. Clean.

(As a side note, Will was doing the dishes as I was writing this blog and I called into the kitchen asking for a synonym for the term neat freak. Will thought for a moment and responded, “I don’t know….me?” Yes, honey, exactly.)

Comments

[Benji]

Ha ha, I love you guys, seriously you're both two of my favorite people. You should know this will be one of the last things I read before I go to bed and begin a week of school ahead.

[Kathryn]

i have said it before I will say it again.
I LOVE WILL!

[ally bean]

“You should never experiment with a Venti.”

words of wisdom for all of life. profound and neat-- what a guy!

[carrie]

very funny story.
i have wondered the very same thing about Jo Ann fabric. Why not Jo Ann's?????

it's an enigma

[right brained gal]

Of all the blogs I read, I find yours the most entertaining and it always picks me up. Keep up the good work. You have a real gift.

[Rene]

So I think I know why the store is named Jo-Ann instead of Jo-Ann's. It may be because none of the founders were named Jo-Ann.

"Hilda and Berthold Reich, along with their friends, Sigmund and Mathilda Rohrbach, founded the business in 1943. Both immigrant couples from Nazi Germany, they came to Cleveland, Ohio, to start a new life. Mr. Reich had been importing cheese in a small east-side storefront when the Rohrbachs approached him to sell fabrics. (The Rohrbachs' son, Max, was a fabric salesman whose company offered to supply them with remnants to start.)"

I was bored in Physics II, lol.

[JuneBug]

my first time here and i busted out laughing!

first cause we shop at the same stores and second just because the story was funny, and sweet!

[Jen]

Dude, I totally get the "being with Mr. Clean" thing! My boyfriend puts me to shame on the whole cleanliness thing.

[lucy]

Does Target overcharge for the Dyson? I need to know!

My husband is the opposite of Mr. Clean.

As for the JoAnn/JoAnn's thing, I've been saying it wrong all this time. It used to drive me crazy when people said Nordstrom's, it's just Nordstrom. I know. I worked there for 2 very long years. Get your fancy schmancy store names right people.

[Lissa]

I feel that your husband and I might be related. I for one make those same jokes when I am shopping with my friends to their utmost embarrassment, and I love to vacuum. I fear for my future husband.

[Bethany]

Janet my girl. Your husband sounds adorable. This sounds like an afternoon that Dane and I would have. Jokes, shopping, vacuum cleaners. Except Danes obsession is kitchen stuff. He MUST peruse the kitchen stuff aisles of whatever store we are in. He loves the shit and thinks that there is always something new that will turn him into the ful blown Alton Brown that he aspires to be. It's really cute when your boy gets all domestic huh!!!

[Wende]

Yours too? Meanwhile, I'm the slob of the century.

When IZ was four or five, his mom said he used to slip into the back rooms of stores to find out what kind of vacuum cleaner they used to clean the store. Heh. He knew all the brands and all the "perks" of each--Of course, she told me this after I married him.

Needless to say, shopping for a new vacuum cleaner always takes more time than buying a new car.

[Alison]

Great entry. I had to laugh at the Venti quote, because this weekend I saw the blackberry green tea thing on a placard in Barnes & Noble. I pointed it out to my companion and said "What the fuck? Who made up THAT combination?"

[Zandria]

Too funny! My aunt is always wondering about the Joann/Joann's thing herself. :)

[Amanda]

too funny - my husbands's favorite gift from our wedding was the vacuum (purchased by gift card) so I had to laugh out loud at that one.

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