Slice of Pink

I'd Pair it with Leggings and Six Inch Stilettos

Being a blogger can sometimes put you in awkward situations. Like, say for instance, when you are having a lovely outdoor dinner with a lovely group of people and suddenly you just have to pull your camera out of your purse to take a photograph of a random man wearing a pink cow print shirt. (Or is it leopard? Cow or leopard? Clearly, I am not very knowledgeable in the area of spotted animals.)

Because letting the awesomeness of that shirt go undocumented would be so very wrong.

On Writing an Appellate Brief

Will (while placing frozen fish sticks on a cookie sheet): Would you eat a fish stick for a B, right now, on that appellate brief?

Me: Yes, I think so.

Will: Would you eat five fish sticks for an A?

Me: Ew. No way. An A is so not worth having to puke up a hunk of breaded Alaskan Pollock.

Lovely Rita

I am going to a party tonight with Will's softball team--a tri-tip and margaritas kind of party--and this email came round:

There is still room in the limo if you would like to be picked up for the party and dropped off back off when its over (we will walk you to the door if necessary). I would like to create the pick-up route soon so please get your request in.

Alas, we are not taking the limo because Will has a triathlon this weekend so he will not be drinking but, hello, sounds like I will be having some margaritas tonight.

Lint-rolling

I just overheard my husband say:

There is cat hair ALL OVER this blanket. I swear, I'm just gonna lint-roll the cat.

Lint-roll the Cat: v. (lint-rōl) to apply a roll of adhesive paper directly onto a feline, thus removing loose hair directly from the animal and preempting the transfer of said hair to other household surfaces.

Pounding

Last night, Kathryn and I shared a big ass pitcher of beer downtown and then rode our bikes home in the middle of the night.

This morning, I woke up at 7:00 in the morning to the sound of a jackhammer tearing up the street directly outside my bedroom window.

There should so be a law against running heavy machinery before 10 am during spring break.

Heart Stopping

So, how many times do you think I need to see my husband's full length wet-suit hanging in the shower before I realize that it is just a wet-suit and not a killer hiding behind the curtain ready to stab me?

Hot Diggity

About 10 minutes after eating a hot dog from The Hotdogger, Will announced that his stomach hurt.

I wanted to feel sorry for him, really I did, but he ordered a hot link covered in hot salsa, hot peppers, hot chili, cheese, diced onions, and tomatoes. This dog, which caused him to literally sweat, was appropriately named "The Gut Bomb."

He claims that it is the dog that "any self-respecting man would order."

A Tragedy of Mammoth Proportion

So my cell phone rings and my caller identification informs me that it is Will calling. I pick up.

"I have really bad news," he says.

I can hear a panic in his voice. Some anxiety. Some distress.

"Are you sitting down?" he asks.

I am.

"I'm across the street at the market and I have to tell you something that you are not going to like," he informs me.

Not going to like?

"The thing is," he continues, "they are completely out of peppermint ice cream and the stock boy doesn't know if they will be getting anymore in."

Bad news? Bad news? THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY!

All Dressed Up

Just when I thought I was thoroughly out of things to write about, a package arrived in the mail from my mother-in-law. Inside the package was a fun little note and a dress for my wine.

That's right, a little pink dress for my wine to wear when she goes out at night.

The dress is quite versatile and, until the wine gets a night on the town, the Monin Caramel Syrup will be modeling the dress during morning coffee.

My mother-in-law and my wine, both fabulous.

Bag Off

I have a celebrity neighbor.

The guy in the apartment across from us was the 1st runner up in California's Best Bagger Championship and will be attending the National Grocer's Association Convention in Las Vegas, Nevada next year.

Our neighbor can bag groceries with precision faster than you can swipe your American Express. What does your neighbor do?

It Look Like I Can!

My sister emailed me this cute Natalie Dee comic, which nicely sums up how it feels to be carrying around these thick, heavy law textbooks that might as well be written in French.

I look like I be law student.

Exactly

I think I need this awesome Natalie Dee shirt.

Cupcake
+ Multivitamin
=Super Breakfast.

That's what I'm talking about.

I Just Want Your Extra Time

In the average lifetime, Americans spend an average of two weeks kissing. Sweet, until you consider that they will spend an average of 9 years watching television.

The One with the Joke

Do you remember the episode of Friends where Ross gets a joke published in Playboy?

Chandler: Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke.
Ross: No, it's MY joke.
Chandler: No, it's mine.
Ross: No, it was MY joke.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right?

Ross got paid $100 for the joke that he (or Chandler) made up and you can get $100 from submitting a Playboy Party Joke as well.

The question is: would you cash the check and get your $100 or keep the Playboy check with your name on it for posterity? I never would have guessed it, but Will says he would keep the check. If he would be willing to forego $100, he who loves to put money in the bank and never take it back out, how many Playboy checks are out there, uncashed, framed on some guy's wall?

State of the Nation

According to Jake Halpern, three times more teenagers want to grow up to be a celebrity personal assistant than a United States Senator.

It's amazing to me that people would rather pick up dry cleaning than have it picked up for them.

Not Making This Up

Last week, my friend Anna's boyfriend got promoted. He works in the wind turbine business, putting up those giant windmills that convert kinetic energy into mechanical energy. He used to have some engineer title, but just got promoted to:

Head Erection Division, Overseer of Seimens.

That is awesome.

Icing on the Cake

Kathryn gave me an adorable necklace for Christmas, a teeny silver cupcake with sparkle frosting.

I wore it to school today. All the girls thought it was, well, a cupcake. All the boys thought it was a little tub of buttered popcorn. And that is the difference between women and men.

Organdy or Organza

Despite the fact that we will be moving, possibly across the country, this summer to attend law school, I cannot stop from purchasing rolls and rolls and more rolls of beautiful organdy, satin, and velvet Christmas ribbon at JoAnn's 75% off sale. The more ribbon I bring home, the more Will reminds me that we will probably not be shipping a box of discount ribbon, no matter how pretty, across the United States.

The Best Thing Since Diet Coke

Dudes! The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf has finally revolutionized the world of water.

Fat Free water! Obviously, I will be buying all my water at my local Coffee Bean. Awesome.

Happy Thanksgiving

Clear Cut

Will, my sister, and I were walking to the car today when I caught sight of myself in a large classroom window. I pointed out how horrible I looked, how my makeup had mysteriously disappeared off my face during the school day, and how my mascara had somehow smudged under my eyes.

"Yep, I have to stop at home before book club," I announced, "and redo this mess."

My sister, April, who is 16-years-old, replied that life was so much simpler for boys, who did not need to worry about things like mascara smudges or cakey foundation or eyeliner.

"It's easy for boys," she said. "Boys are just either cute or not."

And Get Your Elbows Off the Table

My purse is a mess. Cards, cash, coins, receipts, and lip glosses are all just thrown in with no method of organization. When I unzip it, dollars actually leap out.

After locating my Costco card, finding and straightening out 16 crumpled dollar bills, and digging for 77 cents, the checker lady suggested that I look into purchasing a wallet and a coin purse and that I should try to keep my Costco card in the same exact place so I'll always know right where it is.

Costco Checkers: My Other Mother.

Wasted

It is wildly disappointing that I have on a totally cute outfit and my hair looks adorably flippy and the only place I am going today is the oral surgeon to have my wisdom teeth removed.

Not for the Easily Offended

Today one of my favorite students and I were discussing a situation at school, the one that caused me to write that one post where I got all preachy. The discussion revolved around whether I should fight for the right thing or save my breath.

Me: Well, I'm not gonna to die on a cross for it.

Student: I'd die on a cross for it.

Me: Oh yeah?

Student: It's a strong way to go out. Worked for ol' J.C.

Me: J.C.? Oh...yeah, I guess so.

Oh, Atlanta!

The robotics team won a big, fat award in Vegas--The Engineering Inspiration Award, which is the second highest award that is given out and includes a bid to the national competition.

There are some people who need to get working on a place for us to meet up because, ladies, I'm coming to Atlanta.

For Like, For Sure

I spent the day at a cheerleading competition, The USA All Star Nationals, and I honestly did not know whether I should laugh or cry at the thousands of girls who were collectively wearing more hairspray than the entire US population wore in the 1980s. Most of the girls were using the water bottle pocket on their backpacks to tote Aquanet. And the eyeshadow, oh lord, the eyeshadow. It was a convention full of little Tammy Faye Bakers.

My sister made finals, so the fun (and the teal glitter eyeliner) continues tomorrow...

Super

Is it all suprising that I just got home from a Superbowl party but have no clue who won?

A Conversation at Target

As we pile books, cat treats, body wash, candy, and measuring cups on the conveyor belt and as the cashier, one of my students, starts ringing us up, Will starts checking his pockets.

"I don't have any money. Did you bring some money?"

"I don't have any money. I thought you had your wallet."

"I don't have my wallet. I must have left it in the car."

I guess I will have to forgive this student next time she forgets her homework.

Locked and Loaded

"Hey Will, Tim thinks it's crazy that I give people from the internet my address and meet up with them for lunch and stuff."

"Why don't you post about my new gun?"

"What new gun?"

I stare at Will with a blank look and then it hits me....

"Ohhhh. See, the problem is, now I want to post that you want me to post about your fake gun."

"Good, you should. I like being on your blog because I say some funny shit."

Oh. Okay.

I Want My MTV

Since we do not have television at home, I have been getting my fill of MTV here at Ken's house. I've seen two episodes of some show about ridiculous sweet sixteen birthday parties and two episodes of some show about girls trying to be interns at Seventeen magazine. Both shows were very stupid and, yet, strangely addicting.

Can You Hear Me Now?

A mother's response to a child who was crying in line at Target because he wanted to open a plastic toy cell phone:

"Honey, you can't open the cell phone. It is for the baby Jesus."

Just as I suspected, frankincense and myrrh are totally out of style this year.

Even Stars Need Toothpaste

I am thinking my next car will be a limo.

That way, I could wear ball gowns and diamonds everyday, even to Target, and it wouldn't seem weird at all.

Clearly I would be on the way to a very important and very fancy party and would just be stopping off for some shampoo and toothpaste on the way.

The only thing I need to decide is whether I should get my limo in black or white. Or pink?

I Hate Walmart: Reason #297

At 6:45 this evening, I am pretty sure that there were more people at Walmart wearing pajamas than real clothes.

Talking Stockings

Fishnets. Okay for school? Yes or no? What if they are the really tight-knit fishnets and I wear a knee-length skirt with them?

Hot Water

Today, because my husband wasn't home, I had to google "tricks for opening a jar" so that I could get a jar of salsa verde open.

How did people survive before the internet?

Order of Operations

I was at my mom's today and overheard my 15-year-old, college-prep sister ask this serious and important question:

"Mom, why do you have the Halloween decorations up when we haven't even had Thanksgiving yet?"

Udderly Smooooth

My name is Janet Wallace and I am addicted to Udderly Smooth.

I don't care that it is for cows. I don't care that the directions say "apply to udder after each milking." I don't care that the jar advertises its ability to smooth teat cracks. I don't care about anything that the jar implies about my thighs or teats or possible outbreak of cow pox.

This stuff is thick and greaseless and very, very good. I am not ashamed.

Bugging Me

I just discovered a teeny-tiny bug in the basket of raspberries I brought home from Trader Joe’s. I am glad I discovered it because, although itty-bitty, it was a pretty icky looking little bug and, although I am glad I discovered it, I can’t help but wonder how many of those disgusting suckers I’ve already eaten seeing as I buy raspberries from Trader Joe’s on a weekly basis.

I’d go throw up but, quite frankly, I am too tired.

This is why I just shouldn’t eat fruit. Little bugs don’t get into wrapped Twinkie packages, now do they? DO THEY?

(Although, yes, if you leave an open Twinkie on the counter ants will be all over that mess before you can say Twinkie Sushi.)

Rock Wit U

You guys, against my will, in an act of pure charity, I went to an Ashanti concert and I am totally embarrassed to tell you that I knew all of the songs. And I like some of them.

This is what going back to high school does to you.

I was enjoying the music, all the while thinking that Ashanti? Totally out of dress code.

Mecca

Blogging from the Apple Store is fun. Want many things. Paycheck, where art thou?

Face Value

I want to thank you all for your fair and balanced verdict in The Case of the Missing Pen. So far, there has been no sign of a new Pink Dr. Grip, but that is temporarily okay because today I got a new one of these:

All hail the beauty, the glory, the magnificence that is The Foundation Brush.

Don't think I have forgotten about the pen, though. Justice, it will be served.

Cereal Progression

I have moved out of the Rice Krispies phase and into the Cinnamon Toast Crunch phase.

Pickled Pink

Consider this:

Kathryn and I bought one of those giant dill pickles at Hurricane Harbor Wednesday.

According to the label, the pickle had 0 calories and 0 fat. If this is indeed true, and if it is true that you expend calories chewing and digesting, then eating the pickle should actually result in negative calories.

In other words, eating pickles equals weight loss. I have conquered the diet industry.

Three cheers for the inimitable pickle.

Reggae Willie Style

Notes on country music because I've had three glasses of wine and that's all I've got for you.

Willie Nelson is releasing a Reggae Album. Y’all better go to Amazon quick because THAT crap is going to sell out fast.

Friends don’t make friends listen to Shania Twain.

I don’t know if Lee Greenwood is country, but he is wearing cowboy boots on his website, so I say close enough. So, is the “Proud to be an American” song the only song that goes with fireworks or what?

Call Me Barista

My friend Mary owns a chic little coffee house and, seeing as I am on summer break, she invited me over to learn the wonderful world of coffee. Let me tell you, it is not easy. A lady came in today and ordered an “iced, sugar-free, non-fat soy, double-shot, white chocolate, caramel latte, no whip.”

I just stood there like a deer in the headlights. Uh, Mary? I could use a little help here.

Coffee. It is a complex world.

She Works Hard for the Money

Last week Will pointed out that if I didn’t spend any money this summer, it would almost be like I was working (seeing as I spend all the money I make and then some on various necessities such as clothes, shoes, makeup, Starbucks, sunglasses).

I thought that this was a fantastic plan. I’ll take the whole summer off! I’ll just tan at the pool and eat popsicles for the next three months! I won’t spend a dime! No problem!

Except that tomorrow I am going to have my hair done.

And that bill from last week's trip to Banana Republic should roll in any day now.

I took a sub job for Friday. The plan, it did not work out.

Had the Guts, Got the Glory

I am not a good worker-outer. I can barely stay on the treadmill for 10 minutes before I am bored out of my mind.

I have found, however, that if I play the Eye of the Tiger song on my iPod I can totally stay on the treadmill for 4 more minutes. 8 more minutes if I play the song twice.

And I have never even seen Rocky.

Happy Mom's Day!

I wonder what my cat is going to get me for Mother's Day?