Things that I did not purchase at Ikea yesterday:
Good For You. So, it must taste awful. They shouldn't put it right on the label like that.
Creamed smoked roe. Fish product in a tube! Squeeze some of this mayonnaise textured fish on a cracker for a perfect party starter.
Jelly rats! RATS! In case worms weren't enough.
If you can't read the label, that there would be some caviar from lumpfish. What, you ask, is a lumpfish? Here you go. Yum.
Salty licorice. Sugar, licorice root extract, and large doses of ammonium chloride.
Things I did buy: two cutting boards, meatballs, frozen yogurt. But those aren't nearly as fun.
So, when Michelle asked me to go with her to the law school graduation, I decided I'd endure a monotonous and repetitive commencement ceremony--which, let's be real, all graduations are dullsville--so that I could lay my eyes on the Mayor of San Francisco.
Yes, indeed. Gavin Newsom is hot. They forgot to mention it in his bio at the ceremony.
We are sharing a moment here. Will says he is obviously looking in the lower level stands, but I DON'T THINK SO.
I'm the only sober person in this photo.
I signed up to be the designated driver for Mary's birthday party in Downtown Sacramento on Friday night (Mary being second from the right). I took my job extremely seriously and did not have a single alcoholic beverage in the three hours we were at the bar.
I've never really had to be a designated driver. When I lived in Santa Barbara, there were plenty of bars within walking distance, not to mention a bus that would deliver people straight from Isla Vista to the downtown bars. In Washington DC, I didn't have a car anyway, so all travel, drunk or not, was via metro, cab, or foot. And, now in Davis, there are plenty of bars a short bike ride away.
But, on Friday night I was the DD. And, you know? It's not so bad.
First, the bartender made me free fancy fruit juice cocktails.
Second, Katie shared a heaping plate of nachos with me.
Third, the restaurant gave me free coffee.
Finally, Michelle ordered me blueberry french toast sticks.
I spent the whole night out at a fantastic bar for zero dollars. ZERO!*
*Well, maybe the price of a little bit of gasoline, but Will takes care of that so it's almost like that money doesn't actually exist and, anyway, it has certainly got to be way less than the cocktails, the nachos, the coffee, and the french toast I would have had to buy for myself. Plus, alcohol.
I'm now totally down to be the designated driver. It's quite an incredible bargain and completely hangover-free.
Funny thing is: when I called Shannon and told her that I would drive, she responded most enthusiastically by offering to buy me my first glass of wine.
It's Saturday night at the high school prom and Will and I are standing at the top of the stairs in the lobby of a nice downtown hotel. We're on chaperone duty, poised between the hotel bar and the lobby, with the task of keeping high schoolers from entering the bar area and drunk bar-goers from entering the prom area.
Not much is going on and Will and I are chatting away, when Will's eyes suddenly go wide and his jaw drops to the floor. I turn to look and, I can barely believe what I am seeing, but there is a man in the bar with his penis out. He's got his belt undone, his fly unzipped, and his penis is just chillin' there next to his glass of beer.
Now, I don't know what you would do if you saw a penis out at a bar, but we were responsible for 600 teenagers and, somehow, kids + alcohol + bar + penis did not add up to equal the kind of thing that sounded like a particularly good calculation.
After a few seconds the guy put his penis away and zipped his pants back up and the problem was resolved. Temporarily. Five minutes later, he is standing up and undoing his belt again, presumably to bring his penis back to the party. I'm thinking we should tell security or something, but before I can suggest that plan, Will has entered the bar and is hovering over the guy in what Will later reports he wished would have resulted in a bigger confrontation. Maybe involving a punch, what with Will being larger and sober and all.
Instead, the conversation goes like this, except with more much graphic language and a lot of in-your-face finger pointing by Will.
Will: You better not take your cock out again.
Guy: (mumbling) I was just joking around.
Will: There are 600 16 and 17 year-olds right over there...
Guy: I didn't take my cock out over there!
Will: No, you took it out here, right in that chair.
Guy: No I didn't!
Will: Yes, you did. And then you touched that girl right there.
Guy: Well, uh--
Will: Don't do it again. If you do, it will involve the police and jail.
Guy: Okay, okay, we're cool. High five, man.
Will: Get your hand away from me. You just had it down your pants, dude.
The penis, no longer welcome at the bar, stayed put for a good ten minutes, until the guy removed his shirt, put his hand down his pants, and promptly passed out on a Sheraton sofa.
At which point, I informed security.
At which point, the guy and his penis were escorted from the hotel.
At which point, his girlfriend, laughing until this point, also had to leave.
At which point, his girlfriend became distraught because they had to leave behind the large group of wedding-goers they were partying with.
At which point I wonder which is tackier: having your penis out an upscale hotel bar or having a girlfriend who thinks that is hilarious.
Penis police on patrol, protecting prom partygoers since 2008.
I just want to let you know that I have not been out having fun, exploring the world, experiencing post-worthy things. Oh no. I have been sitting and learning Constitutional Law and, perhaps more importantly, trying to squeeze as much information as possible on the one sheet of notes we are allowed to bring into the final exam tomorrow. Three words: six point font.
Oh! Don't worry. We didn't read the whole book. We just read to page 1043. That's all. No biggie.
I'm frantically studying for Constitutional law, the next final on the calendar, and I swear to gumdrops, I found this very profound sentence in my notes:
plus, who was for the what?Somehow, I don't think that this will earn me any points on the exam.